RSS

Monthly Archives: February 2013

One Ghana Cedi Thoughts

 

Today at my constituency a gentle man who was dazed by the the firm, well shaped and fexible buttocks of Asana that tolled like the old church bell at Old Catholic house in my home town Botoku, asked whether she was on facebook so he could add her as a friend,an action which led to a very interesting chat with the electorate of Hausa koko drinkers and kose nibblers on how social networks has affected our lives and whether indeed it has added value to our lives as social beings. So after analyzing ,dissecting, bisecting, evaluating and all other ‘tings’ that are employed in the thinking job market of one’s brain to arrive at a decision as though it were a destination which in most cases is not, I have like always decided to share nothing more than my One Ghana cedi thoughts with you on this issue. Personally I have been on Facebook for a while now and I have had the chance to meet and hook up with some good old friends that I lost contact with, I have also met and made new friends who are beautiful within and without but trust me there are friends and there are friends. I’m indeed one of those people who keeps just a few number of close friends and though I have over a thousand friends on Facebook I only interact with a few number of them just like you who is reading this.

  I have met some in person and we have become friends and exchangers of ideas based on our interests  whilst others  I would rather not meet physically at all since we do not even in the virtual world interact and that is just me.  To me, human relationships mean so much to me that I have recently been accused of taken friendship too serious. Though laughable as it is, it is the person’s opinion and I believe anyone who thinks like that does not know the actual value of life and living it. Whether an individual is your mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend etc, you need to be friends to sustain your relationship. It is therefore imperative that you do not allow yourself to be treated as an option whilst you treat the person as a priority and over the last few months I have come to realize people are offering themselves up as options to others willingly at the very cheapest of prices that under normal circumstances need no bargaining and yet their low cost self prices are still bargained for, leaving them with a price of nothing. I have heard stories from people on how easy it is to get laid via Facebook and other social networks in matters of hours depending upon your ‘wildness’ as they put it.

According to one of my sources he even arranged a threesome for a popular radio presenter and DJ of one of the cosmopolitan radio stations in Accra. According to him he has had his fair share of fun with quite a number of girls who became his friends via Facebook and trust me the story is the same with some friends who have been bold and proud to speak about their sexual escapades via Facebook. According to him some of the ladies actually initiated the move and all the guy has to do is to push the idea. Now the question that has been lingering in my mind is whether these social networks especially Facebook has removed the blanket of morality in terms of sexual orientation and relationships that kept society warm and cozy in years gone by or is it a case of an avenue which was lacking made available for society  to reflect  its true self? One of the things I find amusing and pathetic about this situation is that, though society-wise guys can brag to their friends and point out the ladies they have slept with which I believe is so very wrong, the ladies are also doing the same thing these days. They get to compare notes as though it was a class they are taken and are preparing for final exams.  My interactions with some ladies has revealed that they grade on the guys performance in bed and so you can have five girlfriends sleeping with the same guy because he satisfies their fantasies of what good sex should be like. The most interesting thing about this new craze for one night or one day stands as it is in most of these cases is that we have some married and prominent people who others look up to as role models involved in this sexual charades with the unmarried ones. With all these happening my one Ghana cedi mind cannot just understand why these sites are not referred to sex networks because to me sex is not a social event and as such anything cyber that will create the avenue of sexual exploration of individuals rather than creating an avenue of social bonding which supersedes any kind of networking should not be called a social network. Damn what happened to the chasing, the rehearsals in front of the mirror, the practicing of your speech and tone per sentence,the dressing up and checking your breath, the rejection to see whether you were serious or not, your persistence and perseverance(as my brother-in-law will say), your gentle manliness in spite of the initial rejection and how everything crushes down and you breath a sigh of relief when she says YES?

Now let me pause to have a good laugh(hahahahahahahaha hoooyiiiiiii) a laugh prompted by the notion that some ladies after reading this will start asking themselves whether i know that they have slept with some friends of mine the met through Facebook or not.Hahahahahahahaha. Well. it was a choice you made to get laid and it was his choice to lay you.So whether you are the layer or the ‘layee’, it is you one Ghana Koko.

Well, as usual the clock is ticking and my one Ghana cedi is almost exhausted. If you want to have an open discussion with me tomorrow meet me at the koko base near the Nima Junction and let us drink and nibble as we talk and discuss the way forward. I just hope my one Ghana cedi worth of Hausa koko and kose will be enough for us to share as these one Ghana cedi thoughts of mine

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 22, 2013 in ARTICLES, Rants

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Val’s Day Surprise. Hahahahaha

The bases of all relationships is LOVE, however, there are a lot of things that need to be invested in relationships to make them work. Romantic love is a -two way traffic thing but then again the worst feeling one can have is to be in a relationship and yet feel lonely. Today as we celebrate Valentine’s day, one of the many borrowed cultures we hold in high esteem, most of the young ladies are going to legally(though with no constitutional backing) extort things they need from us (guys) in the name of love, yet most of us guys will not get any presents at all.  Let us look at this hypothetical story of our good friend Koo Kusi who earns GHC700.00 as monthly salary and is in love with a lady who wants him to take her out for dinner today at a plush place. On the average a dinner for two on Val’s day will cost GHC 300.00, he has to get her a box of Swiss chocolate  which will cost GHC 100.00, a customized bracelet or necklace which will cost him GHC 150.00. You’ll realize that I have not even factored in transportation and other ‘komininis’ but our Koo Kusi who is in love has exhausted all his monthly income on a night out all in the name of Valentine’s day. So you see that being single on Valentine’s Day saves guys a lot of money on this day? I know most ladies reading this will say it is the duty of a guy to spend on his girlfriend but the question is must you, ladies, always be at the receiving end? For a change take you boyfriend out and do these this for him. So in my quest to find a lasting solution to stopping this extortion I came up with some perfect ideas of gifts to give to your girlfriend who feels it is a must for her to extort you on Val’s Day.

Girls love surprises on days like this, so instead of introducing her to your real girlfriend which will be more than a surprise to her, offer her breakfast in bed on condition that she will get the hot water ready. If she had slept over at your place all you need to tell her is to heat some water for you and tell her you’d be right back. Go to the provision kiosk around the corner and buy ‘thisway chocolate drink’ and trust nia wo hia ni nsio sh3.

Today being a day for Chocolate, one of the paramount demands is for you to get her chocolate. If you can’t afford the Swiss chocolate that she wants, go get cocoa powder, add a little sugar to it and make a paste which you then very shallowly fry in some few drops of Frytol or Coconut oil, dry the past so it becomes hard and there is your chocolate for her.

Aside chocolate she is  going to demand for Ice cream so just go to the provision Kiosk and and buy ‘Di na ta’ milk powder GHC 2.00 come home, add some sugar to it, a little cornflour, make a thick solution out of this and put it in your freeze and there! You have Ice cream for her. You can add different food colors to make it colorful.

To look great for dinner this evening she’ll want you to get her Brazilian or Peruvian hair. There is no need for you to make fuzz about not having money to afford such things. If she feels so ugly that it is these hair that will make her feel beautiful, just go to the polo grounds and gather horse hair, come home wash the horse hair and spray it with air freshener. Naturally she will also need some make up to go with the whole suave look when you two go for dinner tonight, so get her some crayons and pastel. If she demands for a bag, tell her you had wanted a customized but when you went to Mallam to get the goat and cow hide you were told Hajjia had already come for them to prepare ‘wele’ for her ‘waakye’ and to attest to this you bought some of the ‘waakye’ and ‘wele’ from Hajjia as proof to her.

For Dinner tell Davi to reserve GHC 5.00 worth of roasted plantain and groundnuts. Let her package it nicely for you and then tell your girlfriend that you’d rather have dinner at home with her than go out. Immediately she comes to your house serve her some chilled ‘asana’ (liha) on rocks. If she however drinks alcohol, just go to the blue kiosk for ‘apio’ quarter and serve her with it. Tell her you are doing all these things because you are a firm believer in domestication and that the late Dan Lartey plagiarized this from you. If she patiently goes through all these without complaints or threats, offer her the real gift you bought for her, Borges Olive oil and a Holy Bible. If she refuses to take them, she is evil and so you must let her go but when she takes it in good faith then my brother you have found the best companion in the world. Do everything to keep her for a prayerful woman whose faith is entrenched in God is the best you can have in life. Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Go out there and make me proud

 
7 Comments

Posted by on February 14, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

Tags: , , , ,

Memory’s Heatbeat

Memory’s Heatbeat

My very first Poem of 2013 dedicated to the priceless and fond memories of the Woman who even in death means a lot to me and I know she smiles down on us from Heaven. Esther Ivy Amavi Geni nee Boni this is for you.

 

 

The new year sprouts in place of the dead years

Eight years after your physical shade was taken off our lives

Leaving us to the hawks who rove the eaves of life

The shadows of our heart beats

meet time at memory’s cross roads

And watch tears of sorrow and fond memories

Battle in shadows of the songs we hum

With hope walking up and down

as though it ate dog feet upon the head of our hearts

Did they not say the tree along the pathe to the farmlands will never cease to bear wounds?

But Mawuga still gives it life it

so that it blossoms to provide shade from the scorchy sun

for even those who scared it

The blood in your pieces of advice runs in our veins

Urging us to take giant steps with these cassava sticks of our dreams and aspirations

Your resounding tutugborvi peacefully chews up our sadness

And grinds it in to a half moon smile

That ploughs our memories and tills the fields our thoughts and souls

As the seeds of love and gratitude breathe in the songs of your name sang by our hearts

The moonlight drums for sunlight to dance

to the song of gone by years which nods to the

Reminiscing stories you told to your four little stars

Of how they could grow to become the moon

And untie the web, life had built around their individual lives

By recycling the weft and waft of the cold fire set under their individual pots

Into burning tapestry fire approved and sustained by Yehowa Zebaot.

So we refuse to offer a wreath of tears but gratitude and appreciation

For our memory’s heartbeat do not hide under the calabash of being lost

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 11, 2013 in Poems

 

Tags: ,

Whew! Free At Last!

Today was the day I definitely had to free myself from the tension that was building within me. Work over the past few weeks was a torture and I could even hear my shadow complain of tiredness to the floors and walls on which it fell but like the rickety Labadi trotro with the inscription ‘Don’t mind the body…’, life had to go on and so I crawled out of my bed after a long Bukom Tsatsu -like fight with sleep to get ready for work. Aside me, smiling at the memory of my Mum screaming and asking me to clean my shin, heels and most importantly my armpits and the space between my thigh and my dangling balls well, the morning routine of getting ready for work was no different from other days. The ride in the trotro I bordered was the same as almost all the ones I have ever boarded. The trotro dance to the rhythms provided by the pot holes and trenches on the un-tarred road with us the passengers being the unwilling partakers in this dance ensemble. I just couldn’t wait for the day to end and already it seemed as though time had deliberately decided to practice its tortoise walk today of all days. Today a different panel of two by four pocket constitutional trotro lawyers debated the relevance of our self -thought President’s case at the supreme court and the only thing that prevented me from screaming at them to shut their mouths was the fact that I had stuck my head out of the trotro like a tortoise out of its shell just to avoid an induced suffocation from strong scent emanating from the mate’s armpit. I could feel even the air gashing at my face frown and freeze in its tracks when it got closer to the trotro window. If indeed the mate had spent his night in the trotro, there was no way any mosquito was going to get near  him or the one he shared the night with in the trotro for this was a true epitome of the bible verse ‘touch not my anointed…’.  My consolation in this case was that I was not going the full stretch of the journey.

Once I alighted I could feel the tension within me becoming strong as though a catalyst has been added to the chain of reactions inside my being and I wouldn’t be wrong to assume that it was the mate’s armpit stench for my shadow, was gasping for air and couldn’t stand straight for a while but as I entered the office and sat in my chair under the air condition we both sighed relief in sync. After settling in and logging on to my task of the day log, I moved into the conference room where we were going to have a general meeting and share progress reports on the various projects we were handling. Naa Atswe my ‘obroni’ boss who loved yok3 gari with the pride of the polished clay tripod in my grandmother’s kitchen walked in and scanned through us with her yooyi eye as her grin broke like copra smashed against the wall into a smile and said.

‘I’m happy we are all here. Can we now proceed with the meeting?’

Human legs and chair legs shuffled like a deck of cards in the hands on an old chacha player as we settled down and as the meeting progressed I could feel an unlikely tension building up within me aside the one I had been feeling for weeks now causing my facial expression to look like a confused rainbow drawn by a kindergarten child. For a brief moment I was physically in the meeting but not in the meeting. The only thing that brought me back was when Naa Atswe mentioned my name in one of her statements that my ears couldn’t catch and the clapping reactions of my colleagues startled me as I felt the tension walk down my spine to my gluteus region and exploded into a series of bragaaa gadagadagagag da response. Taken aback by my reaction everyone turned white as though they had been kissed by the ghost of harmattan and all I could say was ‘whew! Free at last! What a fart! And this spread laughter across the room as if it were corn for chickens. Finally my four day constipation had given up at the moment my promotion to a new position had been announced and free I was indeed not only from it but from my current financial position.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on February 6, 2013 in Fiction

 

Tags: , , ,