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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

Dear Nii

My grandfather, Leviticus Ilivethforhim Gator, used to tell us that what the dog will see and bark woooooow woooooo, is the same thing the cat will see, close its eyes and turn its head away.  So as a pure breed Eweman who enjoys his cat meat, I want to assure you that your rants over the past weeks are not something I will turn away from like a cat though I still possess the individual eight lives of the cats I feasted on and for once I will go against my grandfather Togbui Leviticus which is very sacrilegious.

Your rants over the past weeks about the fires that has gutted down various markets in Accra have become so loud like the wails of my Uncle whose balls were pinched hard to check for hernia when he was recruited to go fight in Burma during the Second World War that I can’t ignore them. Thanks to politics, you have become a huge celebrity in Ghana that I do not know whether giving you  pet names so that this conversation can flow on a level we will all be comfortable with would be appropriate or not. Nonetheless, I must proceed with this letter. As you might have already heard  I like to poke the fingers of my thoughts in the eyes of the conscience of people like you who are trying so hard to maintain the high standards of Ghana being a place of beautiful nonsense.

Vanpujay,I have heard that, you believe the fires are being deliberately set, right! Well my friend, Qouphy (See the way he has changed his name Kofi, I guess if we want to ‘brofulize’ you name Lante as my friend Qouphy did yours would become Lantern) has a theory I feel you might be interested in. According to him, the rubber insulators around the electrical wires used in these markets are sweet and  and sexy like cheese  just as Castro sang about African ladies and so the Makola kwakw3s chew on them and when the bare wires touch each other, a spark is created and generates into a fire. I guess this is just like heated love making session huh! Hehehehe, please ignore my naughty mind.  Now let us get back to the substantive issue. I do agree with you that the market fires have become one too many and might be a deliberate attempt by certain persons .What the intended to achieve; only God can tell. However, I totally disagree with you saying that brimstone and fire should rain on them. Aaaaarh Puujay paaa! Have you forgotten that the Almighty Father is a prayer answering God.  Let’s just assume that it is true that there is a group of persons behind the fire and they go to the market to buy stuffs or a public place and your brimstone and fire begins to rain on them, won’t that be a recipe for another market fire disaster. Will we be right to get you fired and locked up as an arsonist since you prayed for the brimstone and fire?  Please revoke this abaaah! There are times listening to you makes me  feel  that, as a child you were made to shut up for so long that now that you are an adult you are just clearing the arrears of speeches you couldn’t make as a child fortunately for us, you are not half as comically pathetic as Ekua Donkor or Ayariga.

Well Pujay, as I conclude, I want you to know that I feel you are a good actor who I can see through. First you organize’ boys boys to go and prevent some people from registering there to vote though they practically live in the market and now you are getting emotional because fire has gutted down the place. Comparing you to Van Vicker I would choose you any day my friend. So the next time you are on radio or television give you man Efo Koku Gator some shout out so at least Memunatu will know I have celebrity friends and accept my proposal.

Your Friend,

Efo Koku Gator (spelt E F O but the E is silent)

 

NB. I hear your Oga on top says he is bringing some American to investigate the fires. Can you please find out whether it is your cousin Oko, Yes Oko, the one with the plenty beard who it is alleged buys yombo every three days to keep it black who advised him or your distant cousins Chuck Norris Wayo whose cigar is always a stud or the Ghanaian Americano Capitano, Kofi Capito who advised him so I can write to them too.

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter To Ekua

Open Letter To Ekua

Dear Ekua Donkor,

Just like my interactions with Ayariga, we have met but only via my television set and radio. To be honest with you, I have decided to put off my TV anytime you come on not because I hate you but because I’m just not one of your target audiences. You will not really understand this letter to you but I pray you do find a good village teacher who will interpret the content of this letter to you without it losing the essence of the core message. I would have loved to write in a local language but writing for you in Ewe will be like asking you to decipher and interpret the ‘heybalabalalbadlarataaaatata’ tongues of a Charismatic elder during a worship session.  I do like to get personal with people I write letters to by calling them names I feel we will both be comfortable with, so permit me to call you Akua Donkisky or Mama Donkorsky or Donkokua

Mama Donkisky, it is said that, what a man can do a woman can do and even better and you, Madam, are a true epitome of this statement. I have for the past few days tried to understand you but as all men will attest, indeed you can’t understand a woman but  all you have to do is love her.  Now don’t get exited like a caterpillar thrown into fire, for I have no intentions of the kind of love I fear you might think I have for you. You know we buy our pair of slippers from the market according to the size of our feet and you Donkokua, would be an over-zealous over- sized pair of ‘charley wote’ for me.  Your dream of becoming the first non-English speaking Female president of Ghana has indeed gone down in the records books as the biggest African joke of the century and what makes it more pathetic is that you feel being a loud mouth will enhance this cataract vision of yours.

Dankokua, one thing I still can’t figure out is who at all advised you to vie as a presidential candidate? Indeed if I were to be you, I’d rather concentrate on my farming and gun towards winning awards on Farmers day. Unfortunately, your advisers have tactfully become blind as bats to your foolery. The garbage that spews from your mouth like an over flooded Korle makes me wonder whether formal education would have made any difference since some of your age mates who are also not formally educated do hold themselves well in public. Please humor me, which correct thinking Ghanaian would vote for you to become president so that, when CNN calls to interview you during a live feed, you’ll tell them to hold on for you to go to the loo just as you did the other time when you were called into the morning show of OKfm.  It is true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but to me you are not just an old dog, but an old toothless dog with no experience of cracking the bones of the political mess of this country.

Personally I have nothing against you or your dreams but your blatant refusal to see the fool you are making of yourself. As always the television and radio networks in Ghana who like to celebrate mediocrity will make you feel relevant as the ‘zoomlion borla’ car is to cleanliness.  With the likes of Kofi Wayo, Gen Mosquito, Sir John and Ayariga around, one would have thought that we have had enough of the nonsense we get polluted with day in day out but I must admit Ekua, you do take it to a different level and on a positive side you are encouraging parents to see the relevance of educating the girl child and telling them to apply common sense to their life adventures because even common sense that needs no formal education for its application is not conspicuously present like the gap in your front teeth. Well this is just my opinion and you have a choice to reply or not to. All the same ‘Hersellence Ekua Donkorsky’, Adieus.

Your soon to be friend,

Efo Koku Gator I

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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