Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

07 Jun
Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

Dear Nii

My grandfather, Leviticus Ilivethforhim Gator, used to tell us that what the dog will see and bark woooooow woooooo, is the same thing the cat will see, close its eyes and turn its head away.  So as a pure breed Eweman who enjoys his cat meat, I want to assure you that your rants over the past weeks are not something I will turn away from like a cat though I still possess the individual eight lives of the cats I feasted on and for once I will go against my grandfather Togbui Leviticus which is very sacrilegious.

Your rants over the past weeks about the fires that has gutted down various markets in Accra have become so loud like the wails of my Uncle whose balls were pinched hard to check for hernia when he was recruited to go fight in Burma during the Second World War that I can’t ignore them. Thanks to politics, you have become a huge celebrity in Ghana that I do not know whether giving you  pet names so that this conversation can flow on a level we will all be comfortable with would be appropriate or not. Nonetheless, I must proceed with this letter. As you might have already heard  I like to poke the fingers of my thoughts in the eyes of the conscience of people like you who are trying so hard to maintain the high standards of Ghana being a place of beautiful nonsense.

Vanpujay,I have heard that, you believe the fires are being deliberately set, right! Well my friend, Qouphy (See the way he has changed his name Kofi, I guess if we want to ‘brofulize’ you name Lante as my friend Qouphy did yours would become Lantern) has a theory I feel you might be interested in. According to him, the rubber insulators around the electrical wires used in these markets are sweet and  and sexy like cheese  just as Castro sang about African ladies and so the Makola kwakw3s chew on them and when the bare wires touch each other, a spark is created and generates into a fire. I guess this is just like heated love making session huh! Hehehehe, please ignore my naughty mind.  Now let us get back to the substantive issue. I do agree with you that the market fires have become one too many and might be a deliberate attempt by certain persons .What the intended to achieve; only God can tell. However, I totally disagree with you saying that brimstone and fire should rain on them. Aaaaarh Puujay paaa! Have you forgotten that the Almighty Father is a prayer answering God.  Let’s just assume that it is true that there is a group of persons behind the fire and they go to the market to buy stuffs or a public place and your brimstone and fire begins to rain on them, won’t that be a recipe for another market fire disaster. Will we be right to get you fired and locked up as an arsonist since you prayed for the brimstone and fire?  Please revoke this abaaah! There are times listening to you makes me  feel  that, as a child you were made to shut up for so long that now that you are an adult you are just clearing the arrears of speeches you couldn’t make as a child fortunately for us, you are not half as comically pathetic as Ekua Donkor or Ayariga.

Well Pujay, as I conclude, I want you to know that I feel you are a good actor who I can see through. First you organize’ boys boys to go and prevent some people from registering there to vote though they practically live in the market and now you are getting emotional because fire has gutted down the place. Comparing you to Van Vicker I would choose you any day my friend. So the next time you are on radio or television give you man Efo Koku Gator some shout out so at least Memunatu will know I have celebrity friends and accept my proposal.

Your Friend,

Efo Koku Gator (spelt E F O but the E is silent)


NB. I hear your Oga on top says he is bringing some American to investigate the fires. Can you please find out whether it is your cousin Oko, Yes Oko, the one with the plenty beard who it is alleged buys yombo every three days to keep it black who advised him or your distant cousins Chuck Norris Wayo whose cigar is always a stud or the Ghanaian Americano Capitano, Kofi Capito who advised him so I can write to them too.


Posted by on June 7, 2013 in ARTICLES


Tags: , ,

5 responses to “Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

  1. Sharkmellon

    June 7, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    hahahha, oh charley, if he ever sees this, he will laugh saaaa then coming to himself, he will go on air to lambast you to. i’m sharing right away. when u r caught and being beaten, just mention my name i will be der to rescue, and with national security a-para-chicks.

  2. kafui kofi attram

    June 7, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    nice one. keep it up

  3. Efo Dela

    June 7, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I’m not sure if I believe the fires are deliberate. Will all the poor wiring and sporadic power outages it was only a matter of time before these fires became an issue.
    We should be more concerned about regulations and good building practices rather than finding ghosts

  4. awura abena

    June 7, 2013 at 7:13 pm


  5. kofilarbi30

    July 29, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    VanpEE paa dis?
    matters afiring!


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