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My takes on issues.

2nd Open Letter to Oko Vanderpuije

2nd Open Letter to Oko Vanderpuije

Dear Efo Roozay,

First of all Happy New year to you my friend. Though I am very disappointed that I did not receive any reply to my last and first ever letter to you, I will let it be a bygone and ‘hope against hope’ (as my famous agbadza dancer Uncle Clever Thywillbedoneonearth Agbenorxevi will say) that you will reply this one. Let me first of all congratulate you on your ascension to the enviable Odum chair of the Mayor of Mayors as well as your $399 Doctorate Degree acquisition. I’m sure the beard was the deciding factor in these achievements. These day I do not see much of you. I think it is because I do not watch Television that much again. I know the higher you climb the ladder of life, the harder it becomes to see and recognize the people below but trust me I have been following your exploits. You do not know the joy I feel whenever your name pops up on my head. It is that same joy my twelve children felt when my mother of blessed memory travelled to Ho and brought 2 sachets of pure water as agbamekanu for her grandchildren.Trust me, their eyes lit with excitement as that of the trotro driver you ‘jossed’ last year when his trouser squeezed his balls from your tight grip on his trousers. Roozay the Commando mayor! Roozay the Don! The real Life Captain Haddock of Accra! Norvinye, I feel extemely elated just knowing that it is you I am writing to again. I think I will have to add it to my CV that you are my friend and not just a friend oooh but a close friend. Now let me contain my excitement and get to the reason for writing this letter.

Don Roozay, what most people do not know is that you had your 31st night watch service at the church that had the theme for 2015 as ‘This Nances must Stop’ and based on the preaching along with what the spirit revealed to you, the only way to stop the ‘Nances’ is to tackle it commando style which you are reinforcing . At the rate at which Accra is developing I’m wondering whether people can’t see it or whether it is sheer envy. Why do people always want to bring a good man down? The whole of this year, no Cholera, no flooding, crime has gone down, no hawking on the streets, all the streets have been named,evey house has a toilet, the shool no longer run shift, you run a very accountable assembly and Accra is now the epitome of what a capital city should look like. I hear other Mayors worldwide are consulting you for tips to improve their cities. Herh Oko you be Don wati! Mayor of Mayors ampaaa.

Herh, my Don Capon Oko Roro, I have heard what your detractors are saying and trust me all they can be are detractors to your agenda. What is even laughable is when they say the President should fire you. How can he fire you? A mayor who had his life’s training in The Westside of Brooklyn New York. If the president ever fires you, what happened on the streets of Brooklyn on the 15th of February 1995 will happen in Ghana. If they like they should ask Kofi Konadu Apraku. Commando Rozay, just like you I do not understand Ghanaians ooooh. Common shooting of car tyres too and they are making so much fuzz about it. Don’t they watch American movies? If the President can’t tell you to stop using a convoy and siren then what in Memuna’s name would make a lawyer feel he can make you stop? Naniama. Look it is high time we employ some Brooklyn style action levels. Herh, Oko you be Capon. You are too ‘melch’. For a lack of better description just like Tupac, all eyes are on you. You are like that cool village kid in a city school whose ironed starched uniform shirt with the spider web design with his gabardine hold my thighs pair of shorts is just had to ignore. I doff my atsatsa hat to you. You are indeed a Mayor after the President’s own heart so do not be perturbed by what people say.

Well, the boss Madam is looking for me and I have to dodge her small. Abii you know how women are. I think I have to come for some tips on how to manage her small, since you seem to be doing so fine with Mrs. Roozay. I will also need your secret formula for keeping my beard at the same level all year round. Kindly make sure you at least acknowledge receipt of this letter even if you do not deem it necessary to reply me. Till I hear from you, be strong and may the good Lord open the eyes of people to see who you really are.

Your friend,

Efo Koshi Gator of Alakple.

 

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2015 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter to President Mahama.

Open Letter to President Mahama.

Dear Mr. President,

Well for formality sake, let me just ask how you are doing before I proceed. I hope Lordina is keeping her promise of serving you a sumptuous bowl of Tuo Zafi and dawadawa soup every Wednesday evening as she promised to when you became President. To be honest with you I won’t say we’ve not met before and for your information, I have always admired you from afar as a celebrity. Oooh yes, a Politician celebrity. It even got to a time I was thinking of asking you to represent Ghana at the big brother house but decided against it knowing the temptations that abound in that house. I really hope you do not mind me calling you John or any other pet name I deem very necessary to keep the conversation flowing. I know by now you are beginning to wonder why at all I decided to write you this letter but don’t worry, I’m not one of you detractors. I’m writing this letter to actually say thank you for being yourself and for doing what you are doing.

Jonny boy, I get very livid when I hear people say you are not a good leader. What do they expect? This is actually what they get for not learning from their mistakes. After all, by now they should know that, the fact that the Zongo he- goat has a beard does not make it a contender for the chief Mallam position. If the people willingly make the He –goat the Mallam because of its beard then they must be ready to chew cassava leaves. Today, they say electricity, tomorrow they’ll say water, yesterday it was fuel. What at all do they want you to do before they realize that you lead a listening government? I know that as for the listening you are really doing that, it is just that you are not sure of what to do so you end up doing nothing at all.

Jonny just this week, some friends of mine were annoyed that you did not fire Elvis and Yamin for the Black Stars fiasco in Brazil. Me I just laughed ooh. If they know what you see especially when you put those your spectacles on, they wouldn’t even bother. Fine boy things no be ‘gidigidi’ ooh. Have they forgotten so soon that you are the only president in the history of our country that has an individual who is an institution on her own working for you? Do they know the value of one ‘tsoboe’ by Elvis during your campaign period? Were we not all here when Samini was charging GHC 2000 for shooting one ‘kpoe’ at musical events? Now to the issue of Yamin, after Rawlings, how often have we seen what the NDC World Bank calls ‘Yevu du agba’ say things on National Television that draws intense national discourse and goes international? As a concerned big brother, I know you didn’t want Yamin to look bad that is why you released the jet and the money to ‘Bryzil’. This is a simple boys boys move that I feel everyone should understand. Errrhm my only worry is that I hear there is an unaccounted for 1.2 million. Abeg I be your boy so make I know something when the time to share comes.

 

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Yesterday I realized that Ghanaians are very wicked people. Why are they crying foul on this issue of part of a loan being used for sanitary pads? Look Jonny boy, I agree with you, we must give sanitary pads to school girls! It’s a matter of life and death! Their futures depend on it! Mind you the pads will be imported and the GFA boss Kwasi Nyantakyi will be in charge of airlifting it with support from Elvis and Yamin! If they like they should go and burn the korle lagoon. Have they not realized that up until now our young girls in SHS have been using ‘amonsin’? They need to use pads, no, they will use pads. Now this is QUALITY GIRL CHILD EDUCATION. But Jonny Boy, kindly make sure that in the next loan, allocation is made for free champion condoms distribution for University boys or you go do boxer shorts instead? Our Better Ghana Agenda is on the right path and I encourage you not to mind our detractors. . By the way, are we importing Yazz or Always sanitary pads? Please let’s make sure they come with free pantie liners too and deodorants. I will only charge three percent commission for this advise.

 

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Jonny my guy, be for I end this letter, there is one huge favor I need to ask you. In fact you’ll make me the happiest Ghanaian if you do this for me and I won’t mind if you tax everything including my flatulence. Please and please can you please give ministerial appointments to Allotey Jacob, Sam George, Richard Quarshigah and Nii Lantey Vanderpujey. These are individuals who speak and I know that what they say is not revealed to them by flesh and blood but by a ‘higher force’ I cannot and indeed most Ghanaians cannot contend with. I believe once they become an integral part of your ministerial appointees, you are sorted. The likes of Ablakwa and Fifii Kwetey are backsliding but I believe buy the time we get into the election mood their ‘spirituality’ will be revived. By the way say hi to Vicky for me the next time you meet. I will really love to get a reply from you but I know you’ll be too busy to reply so kindly just acknowledge receipt of this letter.

Your own Concerned Countryman.

Efo Koku Gator.

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2014 in ARTICLES

 

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When The Cockerel Begins To Crow

When The Cockerel Begins To Crow

We can call our fathers whatever we want to, say whatever we want to say about them but trust me despite everything we love them to the core. Look there is no formula to parenting and most of them have made some mistakes but hey no one is perfect, not even Efo’s daughter who is called perfect. As Father’s day approaches I can’t help but share my story with you.

As boy growing up, there was nothing I dreaded more than my father’s angry voice or him clearing his throat whilst my charges for the day were being recapped by the Inspector general of the house, my Mum. I swear, you can hear my heat beat ‘kpo’ like the sound of lizards hitting the floor in a falling off a tree contest at regular intervals. Most of you would agree that, a one on one chat with our Dads was not a part of our wildest imaginations. The only conversations we had with them were question and answer sessions with our heads bowed down and our feet drawing abstract imaginary images on the floor. With my Dad for instance, whenever he was looking for something, we had to make sure the thing was where any of us saw it before we offer to help him find it. Woe betides you, when you say you saw the thing somewhere and he asks that you bring it to him and then you come back to say it is no longer there.

One of the things that baffled me and still baffles me is when my Dad would insist I stopped crying whilst he was beating me. Am I supposed to laugh in pain? What kind of impossible request too was that? Even Tom Cruise would give up on this mission for it is truly impossible. The funny thing is that my beatings always increased when I wanted to prove that I could take a beating by not crying despite the immense pain. I know most of you will say ‘ooh but we were all beaten when we were young’. Well for your information there is beating and there is BEATING. And in most cases I received the BEATING for my mischief because my Dad was an ‘Eweman’. Now, let me take my time to explain this. You see in Ghana, the best disciplinarians are fathers from the Volta region who are teachers, Military men or carpenters. The unfortunate thing however is that all ‘Ewemen’ are carpenters and so it becomes worse when he is a teacher or military personnel in addition to his born-with profession of a carpenter. And with my Dad being a teacher you can begin to sympathize with me now. Reminiscing about these I’m beginning to suspect that our parents were in a sort of competition. For a minute, just close your eyes and imagine the sounds you would hear from a cluster of semi-detached teacher bungalows that had boys within the same age group on Saturday evenings. Yeah, that was us. An emotional ensemble of beatings and cries that could compete with the Israelites’ cry to Moses in the wilderness from the various households on OLA campus.

But aside all these I can say with all authority and certainty that my Dad loved me to bits and was just trying his best to keep me on the right track. Did he overdo it at times? I will say YES, but if he were here, he will disagree but hey in such a contentious debate would you agree that you are wrong? My main problem however was how like most parents he felt I was the five or seven year old kid who he must help tie his shoe lace when I entered the university. For me it was an interesting experience. Even in the University my Dad always referred to me as a boy. Well I’m sure if he were to know some of the things I was doing and capable of doing he wouldn’t have but his perception fully changed about me one Sunday when I did the unthinkable.

Now, my Dad’s trademark insults when he was really mad at me for something I had done or said were to first say ‘Are you silly?’ and then comes the real insults that come in two folds, “stupid boy and foolish boy’. And so on this particular Sunday, my Dad discovered that I had not moved some roofing sheets on which we dried some maize to where he had asked me to. So he shouts from across the compound asking where the roofing sheets were still where they were and my response was that I felt where they were, was ideal. Wrong answer kroa.!

“Where are you?” he fumed

Immediately I emerged out of the room, I was greeted with the trademark question and insults of

“Are you silly? You feel you are now wiser than I who gave birth to you because you are in your final year in the University? Stupid boy! Fooolish boy!”.

My next action surprised everyone including myself. I burst out into a hysterical laugh that confused him and made him look white as though he had seen a ghost. My big sister came rushing out of the room and looked at me as though I had committed the unholiest of all unholy sacrileges. Their reaction made it even worse because my laughter intensified. Then my Dad found his voice and with a sterner look that could crack a palm kernel, he said,

“What are you laughing at?’

Not wanting to choke on my laughter, I covered my mouth and took in a deep breath and said

“I’m laughing because even at this age you are still referring to me as a boy”

He looks at me, shakes his head, and said

“I’m sorry but you are a Foolish and stupid young man’ and bursts into laughter himself and signals me to come over so we pack the roofing sheet together.

I’m sure my sister did not understand the effect of that moment as my Dad and I did. For it was one of those rare moments when a father realizes that his son is a man and needs to be treated as such.

 

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Posted by on June 10, 2014 in ARTICLES

 

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The man Komla Dumor and Friendship.

The man Komla Dumor and Friendship.

I’m one of those who feels disgusted at how people flood their timelines of Facebook and other social media avenues with tributes to famous people who have passed away. You can actually read through the lines that since others are doing it the also want to do it and most lack that convincing tone that the person really had a certain sort of influence on their lives.And so I will like to state categorically that this is not a tribute to Komla Dumor but more of a celebration of his life and one of the basic things he valued in life that runs across all the tributes pouring forth from people he was really close to. FRIENDSHIP.

I will not for once pretend to be an expert on Komla Dumor because I never met the man in my life. Indeed his death is now sinking in. The best I’ve come to meeting him is watching him on my TV screen or listen to his voice on radio. In so many ways his voice always reminded me of my late father ‘s voice in spite of the fact that they are both Komla. Though my father’s voice was not as rich as his, the mere fact that they both still had that uniqu unadulterated Ghanaian tone despite their exploits outside Ghana when they spoke was something I really admired.

In my decades on earth, I have lost people who are very dear to me. I have seen very close friends and relative got through real tough times and I have been down that road on several occasions. Yet I have risen up and seen people rise because of the people they surrounded themselves with.  It is said that you know your true friends when misfortune knocks you flat on the floor and in most cases this is very true.One thing I have learnt through the tributes that are pouring forth for Komla Dumor is that he is someone who valued friendship. Just reading some of the tributes or even listening to them reflect how much of a loss his demise is to those who knew him personally.

Reading Francis Doku .Anny Osabutey, Kwame Gyan, Manasseh, Maama AB’s tributes about Komla and listening to Doreen, Sahmens, Jimmy Quist, Herbert Mensah, Kojo Oppong among others makes me realize that unless you get to know someone do not stand on the sidelines and conclude that the person is arrogant or, egocentric.Get to know the person and then you can decide on what perception to hold on to. Truth be told, I’ve had that same experiences in life and the one that stands out for my was during my latter days in Nafti when, a friend Stella told me that before we became friends she saw me to be very arrogant, too knowing and egocentric. Indeed people do have these perceptions about others and trust me, I always come to the defense of my friends or people I really know when people express these perceptions about them.

The least we can do is to celebrate our friends in life before we die or they die.  Just this Saturday as I sat down with some friends reflecting on Komla’s demise, I told them that we need to keep those who we care about close to our heart and remind them every now and then of how much they mean to us. We need to respect each other and our choices despite the differences in them, learn to forgive and let go, fight our battles fairly, be graceful and grateful in our victories and love like it’s the last time you’d have the opportunity to. Komla was just human like anyone of us and might have had his other side but his death has actually projected the side of him people who were close to him really loved. My wish however was all these should have been done when he was here with us.Indeed I do have very little friends but I know my friends can attest to the fact that I do hold friendship in high esteem, unfortunately this once cost me a love relationship when the lady told me I took friendship too seriously.

I do not know how Komla has impacted on your life but the question you should be asking yourself right now is, will those who claim to be your friends have something to bring a beaming smile that will rival the sun to their faces as they grieve on your demise? How true are you with the persons you call your friends? What kind of perception do they have about you, based on your relationship with them? The era of keeping silent and waiting for someone to pass away before we celebrate the person must cease and as we also wait for our turn to die, let each and everyone of us do some critical retrospect of our individual lives and those we affect and make sure our candles are burning right.

RIP Komla Afeke Dumor.

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2014 in ARTICLES

 

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My Love Letter to Yvonne Nelson

My Love Letter to Yvonne Nelson

Dear Yvonne Nelson,

This is not the usual love letter you receive that says, you are the only mosquito in my net so bite me or your smile rivals the sun. No, this is a hard core love letter like no other. A love letter that is more about how much money we can make with the gift you have. The truth is that I never for once thought you’d be the first  to receive an letter from me this year,. Anyway happy New Year to you! Where did you spend your Christmas and New Year vacation, Dubia, Nigeria or the UK? As for me I was in Accra and Ho sampling fufu and grasscutter meat but I won’t be surprised if you’ve never tried it in the last 4 or five years. Enough of the fufu business.

I know you do not know me, so please, do not worry your brain trying to figure out where you know me from. I’m not really a fan of Ghanaian films and I’m sure you won’t recognize me as one of those who stare at you on screens.I could have decided to contact Inyanya to deliver this message for me,but I fear he’ll fall short because the guy is so fixated on your waist I’m sure he has a life size dummy of your waist to keep him sane .. What lies in your waist I’m yet to discover(though I’m not interested in that), maybe you can tell me whether it has hydraulics or ball bearings.  Jon Germain would have been my other option but I was told you said, you never had anything to do with him and he was leeching to fame via you

Now, Yvey I know you are wondering why I’m writing you this letter. Well, my main reason for writing you this sweet letter is to tell you that all the people who are bashing you for saying your skin became ‘ripe’ due to your consistent use of Queen’s cocoa butter for the past three years know absolutely nothing about human agriculture. Truth be told, if in three years you could attain this ‘ripeness’ using Queen’s cocoa butter, I suspect in the next six years you’ll become transparent. Then at least we can have the Ghanaian sequel of the movie ‘The Invisible Man’ but this time it will be the ‘Invisible Woman’ starring YVONNE NELSON. I hope you’ll produce it yourself and allow me to direct.

To be honest with you Y-von, saying your beauty  glows like a  firefly all thanks to Queen cocoa butter can be seen as contempt but whether its a dying firefly or a live one is another thing all together.Unlike you, I’ve had the direct opposite of your experience using shea butter over. And so believe me when i say, I have a better understanding of you situation than Apostle Kojo Safo in reverse. I was a complete albino some years ago but the consistent usage of shea butter from the North has reversed my hitherto ‘ripe skin’ to become dark. And I fear I’ll soon become the alternative for nightfall. Traditionally, I’m not someone who makes resolutions but after my experiences last year I have made the decision that by all means necessary I want to make as much money as I can this year. It is for this reason you and I need to sit down so we see how we can see how best we can transplant this idea into plant agriculture so farmers can use Queen’s cocoa butter to ripen fruits like banana, mangoes, pawpaw and tomatoes. Oooooh yes tomatoes are fruits and and classified as berries so please lose that frown on your face. I know what I’m talking about. Just imagine the amount of money we will make providing farmers with the product. Aaarh lest I forget, please do not disclose your supplier to anyone lest they cash in on our preposition. You know Ghanaians, most of the time do not respect copyright.

Last year, you were ranting about how sexy your legs were. With no malice intended can you please let me know the SI for the measurement of sexy legs so I can measure some legs that claim to be in the same category as yours. All I want to do is eliminate any sort of competition. We can actually make some extra cash opening clinics that measure the sexiness of legs in Ghana per your standards and the extend it to the rest of Africa and the world. Our elders say Judge not your beauty by the number of people who look at you, but rather by the number of people who smile at you and you make me smile anytime I think about you. At least that’s what my mind wants me to believe as a fact but the truth is a fact can be the truth or a lie. I’m yet to discover what kind of fact it is though. Do you know the legs are referred to as cassava sticks by some tribes in Ghana? And so literally speaking if your legs were cassava sticks what type would they be? ‘Dis na jus kwesion oooh make you no vex.’

It is said that when a once-beautiful piece of Kente cloth has turned into rags, no one remembers that Kpetoe master weavers wove it.  I believe everyone and everything has beauty in it, however it is how you exhibit this beauty that reflects your true nature. You are indeed a talent and a viable asset to me now and so I advise we act aptly on your discoveries and make money with them.  Babe its all about the cash!

I really look forward to you replying  so please grant me the opportunity of getting to know you better and transacting business with you. Cos like Pae Dea said it Money over Bridges this year.

Your lover to be,

Koku Gator I

 
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Posted by on January 8, 2014 in ARTICLES

 

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When a Goat is asked to Shave its Goatee.

When a Goat is asked to Shave its Goatee.

Over the last few days I have monitored the rants of my good friend Daniel about people’s reaction at his office to his beard and all I can tell him is, welcome to the world I knew some years ago.  I believe it is Indi Arie and Akon who sang the song “I’m not my hair” which literally is very true with most of our Ghanaian ladies since the wear weave more than their hair.  Before I digress, let me just stick to the reason of writing this note.

In the Ghanaian community, there is this colloquial prejudice about young men growing beards. As to why people find it irritating to see young men grow beards, I’m yet to hear any convincing and tangible reason for these pathetic reactions.  Some years ago I had the pleasure of telling an elder of the church I attend my piece of mind when he told me not to come to church on Sunday with my beard and that if I dare come with it, he will shave it for me. Those who know the no nonsense part of me can just imagine how I reacted. I’m sure he regretted ever raising that issue because even my Dad later on told him that even he, my father had no say in how I wanted to keep or kept my beard since I was an adult.

One of the growth traits that come with the aging of a Billy goat is the growing of a beard. So from afar we can identify a Billy goat from others. Beards are beautiful and a natural part of a man’s face. I cannot fathom fighting a daily battle against something my own body does naturally. Its masculine qualities. The fact that men can grow beards is a characteristic that nature has given us to distinguish ourselves from the female gender and add more character to our individual personality.  Before I joined my new company, one of the many things some friends and family told me was to shave off my beard before I go for an interview.  I found this laughable because at the end of the day it was the experience I had gather over the years and how impactful I was going to be that mattered most. My beard was therefore not going to hinder my capability to deliver on what was demanded of me and knowing the industry in which I worked, whether you had a beard or not was not a determinant of whether you’ll get a job or not.  Most of us wear our beards for different reasons.

Some wear their as defiance to society, some because of physiological reasons, some because they can’t afford to be going to the barbering shop every week and some because of philosophical reasons. So tell me, who are you to tell a Billy goat to loose its beard?

 
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Posted by on November 13, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Unapologetic Open Letter to Brig Gen. Nunoo rtd

Unapologetic Open Letter to Brig Gen. Nunoo rtd

Dear General,

It has never been my intention to write to you but with your rants over the last four days I can’t ignore you inasmuch as I want to. Let me first apologies on behalf of the good people of Ghana for tolerating the likes of you as leaders. Well the good news is, just as you do not give a hoot about the plight people are going through in the hands of your government, I give a hoot about what you said hence my willingness to write you this letter. Now in order for us to have this conversation I will crave you indulgence to allow me call you by pet names I have coined out of you names. This will bring out my level headedness and prevent me from saying things I will apologies for.

Uncle Nunu, hehehehehe your name alone should even get you to feature in a nunu milk television or radio commercial. At least you would be in the media for a good reason, promoting the drinking of milk rather passing provoking politically inclined comments. I can just picture you refusing a cup of tea without nunu milk, not being apologetic about it and your dialogue being something like ‘Either give me nunu milk or get out’. Epic!

Enough said about your name.  It is said that in every house there is a Mensah and so if for you think you are the only Mensah in Ghana then you indeed do not know how to tickle yourself for the right effect.  We all know it is easy to get talked about in the media, just say something foolish in the name of politics and you’ll make the headlines. But did you have to stoop so low to join the ranks of Ayariga, Akua Donkor , Oko Rozay and Kof Wayo? If you think you will still maintain you rank of a Brigadier General among them, then you are mistaken, for ‘Herselency’ Ekua Donko will not entertain it at all.(Free advise)

By the way, Nunuuu Miliky, just as you, I have not eaten the whole day and there are no oranges growing where I am so no orange juice for me. See how fortunate you are? I do not expect you to sympathize with me for you are a tough person. At least that’s what you tell yourself in your mind. You see, the difference between you and I is that, your choice of orange juice is not because you do not have options but because that is what you chose to have. How then can you call that sarcrifice? My choice of not having breakfast is as a result of me just being able to afford a meal a day. The funny thing is that my late uncle I Know My Redeemer Liveth also used the phrase’ I have not eaten the whole day’ whenever he wasn’t served his favorite bowl of Yakeyake and so it makes it hard for me to believe you. After all, just as you he was a security expert and security experts are known to be good lairs. Oooh yes!  In his one-man village, he was the chief security expert.

Now my good old Don Nunoo, unless you are willing to provide the ram miraculously for the sacrifice do not ask us to sacrifice our sons for we are no Abrahams. I wonder if you understand the word sacrifice after hopping from one political party to the other for your own convenience based on which of them is in power. If you think building a classroom block is sacrifice then think again.  Sacrifice is when you have to queue in the scorching sun to vote for people who win power and are mismanaging the country. Sacrifice is working for 22 months without pay and you are only paid for two months because you threatened a strike action. Sacrifice is when you have tariffs increased by people who do not pay tariffs and they expect you to be cool with it. Sacrifice is when the cost of living is so unbearable yet before you go to bed you pray that things would get better for you are doing your possible best for it to be so. To be honest with you, aside you riding in your V8 with a motorcade leading you at the expense of the taxpayer; we really do not know what you do as a security advisor. By the way I thought security persons are discreet so why the rants and insults?  Do you know that one of the highest forms of indiscipline is leaving your designated job to do another person’s job? Even Fifi Kwetey no longer does propaganda but finance.

Instead of you advising the President on how a beauty pageant called Miss Buy Ghana is exploiting Ghanaian girls in Brazilian and Peruvian weaves as contestants you are saying ‘Gbeshi’ things that if we feel the country is too hot for us we should leave.  If you get angry and want me to apologies, please note that, I am relocating from Anyako to Dzelukope and I’m not obliged in any way to apologies.

Your not amused new friend,

Efo Korshi Gator.

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter to Alfred Oko Vanderpuije

Open Letter to Alfred Oko Vanderpuije

Dear Uncle Rozay,

If there is one man I like in Accra, it is you. It is people like you who give some of us hope that our future will be bright and Patience being a Virtue has got nothing to do with traits Efo’s daughters who bear the names Patience and Virtue have. One would have thought your close resemblance to Rick Ross was a mere coincidence but alas, your political punch lines could earn you a Grammy Award which is to be held in Dzelukope. I had wanted to write this letter to you earlier on when you goofed on Joy Fm, on the issues of the market fires but then your cousin’s utterances beat you to it. Sad as I was when I realized I needed to address your cousin first, I knew deep within that a day will come when your actions and inactions will let me write you a letter.  The elders say the Chameleon will never act as a lizard and you are a true living testament of this saying.  So as I write you this letter, I pray you feel the same excitement I’m feeling right now when you read it. It is that kind of excitement a typical Ga man feels when he mentions the word, ‘hundred’ without the ‘H’ being silent during an interview.

Oko Rozay, as a true fan,(though I would prefer to be an air condition), this letter is not to bash you but rather give you suggestions as to how to become a better Mayor.  Almost all your good intentions have turned into disasters or near disasters. I do not know whether this is as a result of your deep knowledge in American culture which you want to forcefully transplant into those of us living in Accra. How on earth can you rebrand a ‘koklo k)b3b3’(local chicken with no feathers on its neck and head) into a broiler? First of all, you’ve not been able to catch any of the so called arsonists you accused of setting fires to the market places. Your only achievement as a Mayor per your own rants is abolishing the shift system in government schools in Accra and apart from this, you have done ‘foko’ per your own bragging rights. The only thing you’ve done and continue to do is grant your critics more points to boil you with like Ga k)mi.  To think that Oko the Americano will become a laughing stock is not something I ever thought of .Please next time you are called for an interview, plead the fifth like a true Americano and let your works speak for you. That is if you know you are delivering on the mandate of the people.

Oko I know in Genesis, God asked Adam to name all the plants and animals and things within the earth but for heaven’s sake that was long long long ago. The rate at which you keep naming and renaming things that have already been named is rather alarming and scary. Do you in anyway feel you are ADAM?  I fear we will gradually get to a point where you’ll ask us to name one of our body parts after you or someone within you political inclination. If I may ask, did you also see Atta Mill requesting for the hockey stadium to be named after him in your dreams after a huge bowl of kokonte with ‘abenkwan’ whilst watching a marathon of Ghost Nigerian films the night before you decided to rename the Hockey stadium? I can just picture Egya Atta shaking his head from left to right now saying ‘Awww Oko! wo3 gu menyim asi’ in his thick Fante accent. Next time you feel the urge to rename something, go and take a dip in the Korle lagoon and if it does not wash away the urge then go ahead and name the thing.

There is so much I would love to say but I feel it will sink in better if we meet face to face and stroke our individual beards gently like they do in Chinese movies as we have our talk.

Your Friend,

Efo Korsi Gator.

NB. I hear Madam Theodosia who you offended be renaming the hockey stadium which was named after her as a honor for being one of the pioneers of the sport is also planning to be a pioneer in the exportation of Ghanaian human hair to Brazil and Peru and so please put your beard under lock at home when you pay a courtesy call on her to apologies for you actions. Say hi to Nii Lantey and tell him I await his response.

Illustrator: The Black Narrator.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

Open Letter to Nii Lante Vanderpuije

Dear Nii

My grandfather, Leviticus Ilivethforhim Gator, used to tell us that what the dog will see and bark woooooow woooooo, is the same thing the cat will see, close its eyes and turn its head away.  So as a pure breed Eweman who enjoys his cat meat, I want to assure you that your rants over the past weeks are not something I will turn away from like a cat though I still possess the individual eight lives of the cats I feasted on and for once I will go against my grandfather Togbui Leviticus which is very sacrilegious.

Your rants over the past weeks about the fires that has gutted down various markets in Accra have become so loud like the wails of my Uncle whose balls were pinched hard to check for hernia when he was recruited to go fight in Burma during the Second World War that I can’t ignore them. Thanks to politics, you have become a huge celebrity in Ghana that I do not know whether giving you  pet names so that this conversation can flow on a level we will all be comfortable with would be appropriate or not. Nonetheless, I must proceed with this letter. As you might have already heard  I like to poke the fingers of my thoughts in the eyes of the conscience of people like you who are trying so hard to maintain the high standards of Ghana being a place of beautiful nonsense.

Vanpujay,I have heard that, you believe the fires are being deliberately set, right! Well my friend, Qouphy (See the way he has changed his name Kofi, I guess if we want to ‘brofulize’ you name Lante as my friend Qouphy did yours would become Lantern) has a theory I feel you might be interested in. According to him, the rubber insulators around the electrical wires used in these markets are sweet and  and sexy like cheese  just as Castro sang about African ladies and so the Makola kwakw3s chew on them and when the bare wires touch each other, a spark is created and generates into a fire. I guess this is just like heated love making session huh! Hehehehe, please ignore my naughty mind.  Now let us get back to the substantive issue. I do agree with you that the market fires have become one too many and might be a deliberate attempt by certain persons .What the intended to achieve; only God can tell. However, I totally disagree with you saying that brimstone and fire should rain on them. Aaaaarh Puujay paaa! Have you forgotten that the Almighty Father is a prayer answering God.  Let’s just assume that it is true that there is a group of persons behind the fire and they go to the market to buy stuffs or a public place and your brimstone and fire begins to rain on them, won’t that be a recipe for another market fire disaster. Will we be right to get you fired and locked up as an arsonist since you prayed for the brimstone and fire?  Please revoke this abaaah! There are times listening to you makes me  feel  that, as a child you were made to shut up for so long that now that you are an adult you are just clearing the arrears of speeches you couldn’t make as a child fortunately for us, you are not half as comically pathetic as Ekua Donkor or Ayariga.

Well Pujay, as I conclude, I want you to know that I feel you are a good actor who I can see through. First you organize’ boys boys to go and prevent some people from registering there to vote though they practically live in the market and now you are getting emotional because fire has gutted down the place. Comparing you to Van Vicker I would choose you any day my friend. So the next time you are on radio or television give you man Efo Koku Gator some shout out so at least Memunatu will know I have celebrity friends and accept my proposal.

Your Friend,

Efo Koku Gator (spelt E F O but the E is silent)

 

NB. I hear your Oga on top says he is bringing some American to investigate the fires. Can you please find out whether it is your cousin Oko, Yes Oko, the one with the plenty beard who it is alleged buys yombo every three days to keep it black who advised him or your distant cousins Chuck Norris Wayo whose cigar is always a stud or the Ghanaian Americano Capitano, Kofi Capito who advised him so I can write to them too.

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter To Ekua

Open Letter To Ekua

Dear Ekua Donkor,

Just like my interactions with Ayariga, we have met but only via my television set and radio. To be honest with you, I have decided to put off my TV anytime you come on not because I hate you but because I’m just not one of your target audiences. You will not really understand this letter to you but I pray you do find a good village teacher who will interpret the content of this letter to you without it losing the essence of the core message. I would have loved to write in a local language but writing for you in Ewe will be like asking you to decipher and interpret the ‘heybalabalalbadlarataaaatata’ tongues of a Charismatic elder during a worship session.  I do like to get personal with people I write letters to by calling them names I feel we will both be comfortable with, so permit me to call you Akua Donkisky or Mama Donkorsky or Donkokua

Mama Donkisky, it is said that, what a man can do a woman can do and even better and you, Madam, are a true epitome of this statement. I have for the past few days tried to understand you but as all men will attest, indeed you can’t understand a woman but  all you have to do is love her.  Now don’t get exited like a caterpillar thrown into fire, for I have no intentions of the kind of love I fear you might think I have for you. You know we buy our pair of slippers from the market according to the size of our feet and you Donkokua, would be an over-zealous over- sized pair of ‘charley wote’ for me.  Your dream of becoming the first non-English speaking Female president of Ghana has indeed gone down in the records books as the biggest African joke of the century and what makes it more pathetic is that you feel being a loud mouth will enhance this cataract vision of yours.

Dankokua, one thing I still can’t figure out is who at all advised you to vie as a presidential candidate? Indeed if I were to be you, I’d rather concentrate on my farming and gun towards winning awards on Farmers day. Unfortunately, your advisers have tactfully become blind as bats to your foolery. The garbage that spews from your mouth like an over flooded Korle makes me wonder whether formal education would have made any difference since some of your age mates who are also not formally educated do hold themselves well in public. Please humor me, which correct thinking Ghanaian would vote for you to become president so that, when CNN calls to interview you during a live feed, you’ll tell them to hold on for you to go to the loo just as you did the other time when you were called into the morning show of OKfm.  It is true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but to me you are not just an old dog, but an old toothless dog with no experience of cracking the bones of the political mess of this country.

Personally I have nothing against you or your dreams but your blatant refusal to see the fool you are making of yourself. As always the television and radio networks in Ghana who like to celebrate mediocrity will make you feel relevant as the ‘zoomlion borla’ car is to cleanliness.  With the likes of Kofi Wayo, Gen Mosquito, Sir John and Ayariga around, one would have thought that we have had enough of the nonsense we get polluted with day in day out but I must admit Ekua, you do take it to a different level and on a positive side you are encouraging parents to see the relevance of educating the girl child and telling them to apply common sense to their life adventures because even common sense that needs no formal education for its application is not conspicuously present like the gap in your front teeth. Well this is just my opinion and you have a choice to reply or not to. All the same ‘Hersellence Ekua Donkorsky’, Adieus.

Your soon to be friend,

Efo Koku Gator I

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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The Chicken Story

The Chicken Story

Growing up, one of the many tasks I undertook was killing a chicken, plucking the feathers and butchering it. I remember vividly how I had to chase the first Cockerel  I  attempted killing after I had slit its throat for more than two hours before I finally slit its throat properly.  The chicken actually played a smart one on me by pretending to be dead and once I dropped it took some few seconds to regain its composure and then bolted. There are times I feel it somehow sensed my naivety and took full advantage of it but guess what I had the last laugh because I chewed its meat meticulously and intentionally constipated so it felt the pain. (heehehe just joking about the constipation side)

For a while now I have been wondering whether our kid wills actually go through some of these experiences we went through and the lessons that came with them, experiences such as rearing your own animals such as guinea pigs, rabbits, goats and chicken.  It feels super nostalgic, thinking of  how we glowed with pride like fireflies in the dark as we showed off our cockerels or hens to our friends and how we traded secrets like undercover KGB operatives on how to fatten them in anticipation for an Easter or Christmas feast of either fufu or jolof rice.

In a technologically advanced era, we must feel we are geniuses and very creative but for a while now, I have been thinking about all the stories we were told as kids to get us to do what we were supposed to do. One of such stories that fascinates me a lot, is the story of the feathers of the chicken growing back when you talk whilst plucking feathers off its carcass.  Someway somehow we believed this and so you’ll find three young kids around a pan plucking feathers with their lips tucked in like a blanket at a military training camp.  Not wanting the feathers to grow back we developed sign languages to communicate with each other on when to dip the carcass in hot water again, throw away the plucked feathers or bring the knife . The psychology was so strong that in our minds’ eye, we actually saw the feathers grow back when we talked during the plucking. The only thing we never saw were all the feathers growing back .Come to think of it this was just the best way to get us keep quiet and do a meticulous job plucking the feathers. Apparently, these stories were handed down orally from generation to generation but my fear is that they will go extinct soon since most of us go for the already dressed chicken which I like to term ‘mortuary chicken’ but until this happens lets share our rich stories that always had a moral with the younger generation.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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One Ghana Cedi Thoughts

One Ghana Cedi Thoughts

Another Friday is here again and as I walked to my usual Hausa Koko joint for my daily dosage of breakfast this morning, I couldn’t help but notice the difference in the appearance of the various people I passed by. They looked more of themselves though I wonder if they felt like that, suave and beautiful in the local wax print attires they were wearing compared to the so called official wear that made them look like the proverbial monkey that ignores banana to eat butter. For a while I was confused as to why a lot of people were dressed in local prints then it dawn on me that today is a Friday hence the ‘FRIDAY WEAR’. As usual of me I started laughing hysterically, an act that attracted a few raised eye brows which did not perturb me in any way. In this country we do a lot of funny and crazy things all in the name of modernization and yet day in day out we cry that local business is not booming. How on earth can we just dedicate a day out of the five working week days of a week to wearing clothes made from local prints and why not the other way round? Pathetic! How will the textile and fashion industries develop if we have this lackadaisical attitude towards it? We have become the so generous husband who will give out his wife to his best friend all in the name of generosity. At times I wonder if we as Ghanians have any identity at all. Our attitude towards what belongs to us is so funny that we will readily accept anything foreign to implement at the expense of what we have and know to be the best. Take for example how with the emergence of Beer bars, palm wine bars have faded out of the system.

Gone are the days when palm wine bars were there places to be because you were for sure not only going to get a treat of a refreshing natural drink but also a good dosage of palm wine highlife music a rich dosage of authentic Ghanaian music, good delicacies (grasscutter light soup, roasted maize and groundnuts) history and gossip(local and international). You always walked out of the palm wine bar learning a thing or two about the history of your community, life in general and having a song composed with your name in it once you buy a calabash or two for the palm wineists who most of the times are also comedians as well as parodist of the local scene. Unlike the palm wine bars, beer bars offer you akpeteshie that will normally cost you forty pesewas a tot at two cedis and above just because the name has been changed from akpeteshie to names such as Vodka, black label and cognac. Since when did all ‘paintey’ stop being ‘paintey’? Most of the young men are carrying beer induced pregnancies with only God knowing when they will deliver (Please I’m not one of them) and most of the discussions that go on there revolves around the size and shape of the breast or arse of the girl who just walked pass the table, politics, girl problem and most importantly past track records of drinking and womanizing levels. If you think I’m lying, I’m willing to bet my one Ghana cedi on this especially today being a Friday.

The question we need to ask ourselves is do we intend to leave a legacy of a true Ghanaian identity for the next generation based on our belief and appreciation of the indigenous things we have as Ghanians, our a legacy that is based on our misplaced priorities and borrowed identities that say absolutely nothing about us? Hate it or love it we need to sit up and act on the direction we want to go. As for me my one Ghana cedi thoughts will always be expressed.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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One Ghana Cedi Thoughts

 

Today at my constituency a gentle man who was dazed by the the firm, well shaped and fexible buttocks of Asana that tolled like the old church bell at Old Catholic house in my home town Botoku, asked whether she was on facebook so he could add her as a friend,an action which led to a very interesting chat with the electorate of Hausa koko drinkers and kose nibblers on how social networks has affected our lives and whether indeed it has added value to our lives as social beings. So after analyzing ,dissecting, bisecting, evaluating and all other ‘tings’ that are employed in the thinking job market of one’s brain to arrive at a decision as though it were a destination which in most cases is not, I have like always decided to share nothing more than my One Ghana cedi thoughts with you on this issue. Personally I have been on Facebook for a while now and I have had the chance to meet and hook up with some good old friends that I lost contact with, I have also met and made new friends who are beautiful within and without but trust me there are friends and there are friends. I’m indeed one of those people who keeps just a few number of close friends and though I have over a thousand friends on Facebook I only interact with a few number of them just like you who is reading this.

  I have met some in person and we have become friends and exchangers of ideas based on our interests  whilst others  I would rather not meet physically at all since we do not even in the virtual world interact and that is just me.  To me, human relationships mean so much to me that I have recently been accused of taken friendship too serious. Though laughable as it is, it is the person’s opinion and I believe anyone who thinks like that does not know the actual value of life and living it. Whether an individual is your mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend etc, you need to be friends to sustain your relationship. It is therefore imperative that you do not allow yourself to be treated as an option whilst you treat the person as a priority and over the last few months I have come to realize people are offering themselves up as options to others willingly at the very cheapest of prices that under normal circumstances need no bargaining and yet their low cost self prices are still bargained for, leaving them with a price of nothing. I have heard stories from people on how easy it is to get laid via Facebook and other social networks in matters of hours depending upon your ‘wildness’ as they put it.

According to one of my sources he even arranged a threesome for a popular radio presenter and DJ of one of the cosmopolitan radio stations in Accra. According to him he has had his fair share of fun with quite a number of girls who became his friends via Facebook and trust me the story is the same with some friends who have been bold and proud to speak about their sexual escapades via Facebook. According to him some of the ladies actually initiated the move and all the guy has to do is to push the idea. Now the question that has been lingering in my mind is whether these social networks especially Facebook has removed the blanket of morality in terms of sexual orientation and relationships that kept society warm and cozy in years gone by or is it a case of an avenue which was lacking made available for society  to reflect  its true self? One of the things I find amusing and pathetic about this situation is that, though society-wise guys can brag to their friends and point out the ladies they have slept with which I believe is so very wrong, the ladies are also doing the same thing these days. They get to compare notes as though it was a class they are taken and are preparing for final exams.  My interactions with some ladies has revealed that they grade on the guys performance in bed and so you can have five girlfriends sleeping with the same guy because he satisfies their fantasies of what good sex should be like. The most interesting thing about this new craze for one night or one day stands as it is in most of these cases is that we have some married and prominent people who others look up to as role models involved in this sexual charades with the unmarried ones. With all these happening my one Ghana cedi mind cannot just understand why these sites are not referred to sex networks because to me sex is not a social event and as such anything cyber that will create the avenue of sexual exploration of individuals rather than creating an avenue of social bonding which supersedes any kind of networking should not be called a social network. Damn what happened to the chasing, the rehearsals in front of the mirror, the practicing of your speech and tone per sentence,the dressing up and checking your breath, the rejection to see whether you were serious or not, your persistence and perseverance(as my brother-in-law will say), your gentle manliness in spite of the initial rejection and how everything crushes down and you breath a sigh of relief when she says YES?

Now let me pause to have a good laugh(hahahahahahahaha hoooyiiiiiii) a laugh prompted by the notion that some ladies after reading this will start asking themselves whether i know that they have slept with some friends of mine the met through Facebook or not.Hahahahahahahaha. Well. it was a choice you made to get laid and it was his choice to lay you.So whether you are the layer or the ‘layee’, it is you one Ghana Koko.

Well, as usual the clock is ticking and my one Ghana cedi is almost exhausted. If you want to have an open discussion with me tomorrow meet me at the koko base near the Nima Junction and let us drink and nibble as we talk and discuss the way forward. I just hope my one Ghana cedi worth of Hausa koko and kose will be enough for us to share as these one Ghana cedi thoughts of mine

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2013 in ARTICLES, Rants

 

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Val’s Day Surprise. Hahahahaha

The bases of all relationships is LOVE, however, there are a lot of things that need to be invested in relationships to make them work. Romantic love is a -two way traffic thing but then again the worst feeling one can have is to be in a relationship and yet feel lonely. Today as we celebrate Valentine’s day, one of the many borrowed cultures we hold in high esteem, most of the young ladies are going to legally(though with no constitutional backing) extort things they need from us (guys) in the name of love, yet most of us guys will not get any presents at all.  Let us look at this hypothetical story of our good friend Koo Kusi who earns GHC700.00 as monthly salary and is in love with a lady who wants him to take her out for dinner today at a plush place. On the average a dinner for two on Val’s day will cost GHC 300.00, he has to get her a box of Swiss chocolate  which will cost GHC 100.00, a customized bracelet or necklace which will cost him GHC 150.00. You’ll realize that I have not even factored in transportation and other ‘komininis’ but our Koo Kusi who is in love has exhausted all his monthly income on a night out all in the name of Valentine’s day. So you see that being single on Valentine’s Day saves guys a lot of money on this day? I know most ladies reading this will say it is the duty of a guy to spend on his girlfriend but the question is must you, ladies, always be at the receiving end? For a change take you boyfriend out and do these this for him. So in my quest to find a lasting solution to stopping this extortion I came up with some perfect ideas of gifts to give to your girlfriend who feels it is a must for her to extort you on Val’s Day.

Girls love surprises on days like this, so instead of introducing her to your real girlfriend which will be more than a surprise to her, offer her breakfast in bed on condition that she will get the hot water ready. If she had slept over at your place all you need to tell her is to heat some water for you and tell her you’d be right back. Go to the provision kiosk around the corner and buy ‘thisway chocolate drink’ and trust nia wo hia ni nsio sh3.

Today being a day for Chocolate, one of the paramount demands is for you to get her chocolate. If you can’t afford the Swiss chocolate that she wants, go get cocoa powder, add a little sugar to it and make a paste which you then very shallowly fry in some few drops of Frytol or Coconut oil, dry the past so it becomes hard and there is your chocolate for her.

Aside chocolate she is  going to demand for Ice cream so just go to the provision Kiosk and and buy ‘Di na ta’ milk powder GHC 2.00 come home, add some sugar to it, a little cornflour, make a thick solution out of this and put it in your freeze and there! You have Ice cream for her. You can add different food colors to make it colorful.

To look great for dinner this evening she’ll want you to get her Brazilian or Peruvian hair. There is no need for you to make fuzz about not having money to afford such things. If she feels so ugly that it is these hair that will make her feel beautiful, just go to the polo grounds and gather horse hair, come home wash the horse hair and spray it with air freshener. Naturally she will also need some make up to go with the whole suave look when you two go for dinner tonight, so get her some crayons and pastel. If she demands for a bag, tell her you had wanted a customized but when you went to Mallam to get the goat and cow hide you were told Hajjia had already come for them to prepare ‘wele’ for her ‘waakye’ and to attest to this you bought some of the ‘waakye’ and ‘wele’ from Hajjia as proof to her.

For Dinner tell Davi to reserve GHC 5.00 worth of roasted plantain and groundnuts. Let her package it nicely for you and then tell your girlfriend that you’d rather have dinner at home with her than go out. Immediately she comes to your house serve her some chilled ‘asana’ (liha) on rocks. If she however drinks alcohol, just go to the blue kiosk for ‘apio’ quarter and serve her with it. Tell her you are doing all these things because you are a firm believer in domestication and that the late Dan Lartey plagiarized this from you. If she patiently goes through all these without complaints or threats, offer her the real gift you bought for her, Borges Olive oil and a Holy Bible. If she refuses to take them, she is evil and so you must let her go but when she takes it in good faith then my brother you have found the best companion in the world. Do everything to keep her for a prayerful woman whose faith is entrenched in God is the best you can have in life. Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Go out there and make me proud

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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What Do We Seek?

What Do We Seek?

The institution of marriage is as ancient as it can be and as such all religions over the world have great respect for this institution. Though marriage is believed to have love as its bases, the trend seems to be different these days. These days, society’s perception about what should entail a love relationship leading to marriage seems to be based on material wealth and personality rather than entering a relationship based on the person’s character and so most of us in order to fit into this grand scheme are living fake lives with people, pathetically believing in these fake lives as the real us.

Some few months before my Dad passed away, I had the chance to have a son and father chat about marriage and relationships. As to what sparked the conversation I can’t really tell but somehow we ended up talking about this. One of the questions he asked me was when I was going to introduce my girlfriend to him and all I did was laugh since I had none. However one of the most important things he said that has stuck in me, is that most of us young men want to get everything before we get married but what entails this everything? Well it s true some of us want to have our own well furnished apartments, car, a fat bank account and a good job. Who can blame a young man for having such a dream in relation to marriage? Trust me I’ve dated at most two ladies who at the end of the day felt I had nothing to offer them because I do not drive a car like my friends do.

Two years ago when I was directing and producing a TV talk show and the hostess had the chance to interview the owner of the hotel which was our location and his lovely wife.To be honest with you and I, they never came across to me as people who had gone through hardships in life looking at the wealth they had. Apparently when they got married 26 years ago they lived in a thirty feet container which was half full of car spare parts and according to the woman her friends shunned her company and most of the time she had to pretend that everything was okay when friends and family visited even though things proved to be very difficult at time. According to the man he had wanted to marry another lady but the lady told him specifically that he was just a mere spare parts dealer leaving in a container. A thirty feet container for that matter with nothing to his name. Now not only is he the representative of JVC electronics in West Africa but also runs his own businesses. I’m indeed humbled by their story

Listening to them, a thought about what most of the current crop of ladies seek in young guys like me who are potential husbands knock me hard like a dondo stick drumming a dondo. I’m one of those people who believes that the best person to be my spouse has to be a good friend but trust me I’ve been a failure in getting any of the two friends I fell in love with over the years to date me. Back in those days when I spoke to one of the two and all she said was ‘Selikem do not start those things with me today’ and just laughed. Upon analysis I’ve realized that though we are good friends I do not possess the things they believe a potential boyfriend of theirs must have in terms of material or spiritual things(That’s how I see it). Sadly enough I can’t pretend to be what I’m not to get what I want and need and so I let things be hoping and praying that things will change pretty soon. It is indeed very difficult to understand a woman and her wants from where I’m positioned and most guys share these sentiments with me. Most of the ladies would prefer someone who can readily provide for them rather than someone like me who is now building up a life and not well to do. Most of the time I wonder what runs through their mind when you become successful later on in life and theirs is a scum. Something I wish wouldn’t befall any of my two adorable friends since it will just be too much for me to bear.

On the other hand why would I blame these ladies who want already ‘cooked meals’ when some guys are just heartless and would send the ladies who tirelessly worked with them parking with the flimsiest of excuses when they feel the there are well to do and therefore no longer need the services of these noble ladies. So for me, no matter what happens I want to be ‘me’ in any relationship I find myself and have respect, love, appreciation and gratitude to all persons in my life especially the lady I will get married to whether I’m rich or poor and as my friends I will like to encourage you to do the same but the question still remains ‘What do we seek in a relationship’?

 

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Size on Sight

Size on Sight

Any guy who says he doesn’t have a shopping list in terms of the physical nature of the girl he dates, has dated or will date is a pathological liar. Aside a cool face, the lady must have sizable mounds on her chest, firm hips and legs supporting a buttocks that is as loud as a vuvuzela blown directly into your ears. For most of we men, nothing beats a well- shaped hip and buttocks well packaged in a nice dress (whether over zealously huge or small). Our heads just tilt and pan like the drooling balls of a Sokoto red goat and trust me some of us will definitely ask the lady “wo tu nunu?” Having said this I had a gut feeling that beyond what a Ghanaian man can offer a lady in terms of material needs and also based of his looks Ghanaian ladies also look out for some physical attributes to judge the size of a guy’s manhood before they decide whether they want to date him or not.

My French colleague yesterday said that she has noticed that a lot of Ghanaian men drive ‘huge cars’ and that in Paris it was literally translated into an inversely proportional relation between size of car and size of manhood and in plain words she said, ’the bigger a man’s car, the smaller his dick.’( With a French accent).  And trust me to ask how that translated to those who walk or ride a bicycle. So armed with this I set out to find out whether Ghanaian ladies considered the size of a guy’s manhood before they enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with him without having the guy to remove his clothes.

I already know there is a theory out there that says the bigger a guy’s buttocks the smaller his manhood and vice versa but trust me some of us have proved that theory wrong.  I do have a sizable buttocks but my manhood is nothing near small( hahahaha allow me to brag small). In your own imagination you can decide to judge its size because I’m not going to tell you whether it is medium, large, extra-large or extra-extra -large since it is not a shirt size you are shopping for. After making a few calls to some lady friends who I trusted to give me answers on this issue, I can’t help but laugh at the references I got. References ranging from the size of the guy’s hands and how straight they are; the longer the fingers the longer the manhood, the stouter the fingers, the stouter the manhood, the crooked the finger, the crooked (straightness) the manhood. Others told me that the kind of shoes worn by the person is also an indication of the type of manhood the guy has. The longer the shoe, the longer the guys shoe, if the guy like to wear Ali Baba and the forty thieves kind of shoe it means the shaft of his manhood is not straight. If his palm size is big and wrist is short then, the manhood size of him is small and it vary according to the difference in shape. Others said they use the distance between the guys thumb and index finger to determine the length. Hmm our ladies are going through a lot just to determine the size of our manhoods if you ask me. All you need to do is get naked and most guys will follow suit. Hahahahahaha but come to think of it does size really supersede performance? Wow! A lot goes on in a lady’s head but at this point all I care to know is any of these hypothesis can be proved.

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

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Bizzare Love

I have been in many ways been called controversial by people who know me, I have been tagged as someone who has an arrogance and ignorance that stinks to the heavens just because I refused to be bullied by a someone who felt he was more knowledgeable than me in politics when all I put across was an application of common sense. But like my drunk uncle always says, there are times people’s statements towards you stinks more than the flatulence from their buttocks from the week old beans they ate for breakfast and when that happens you either choose to copy the person or apply  common sense in dealing with such persons . So tonight as my fingers dance a hybrid on kete and borborbor on my keyboard as I express my thoughts on the relationship between two political lovers I hope they come across as unexaggerated observations made by an impartial eye.

In every  relationship both parties must mutually benefit from each other whether financially, emotional or spiritually and one must be the weft whilst the other the waft that combines beautifully to make that beautiful cloth which people admire and long for. But the question that lingers on my mind is how many of us would want to enter into a relationship in which our lover disappears like a ghost at the first cockcrow when they are satisfied with services we render them and only comes back when he/she needs something? Personally if a lover treats me like this I will make up my mind and tell the person that the porcupine and the leopard do not rub their tails together.  But strangely enough there is a love relationship like that within the political realms of Ghana that I find really baffling. I believe that the reason any individual should vote for a political party must be based on what the ideologies are and how those ideologies will transform into physical developments within the country and the community in which you live.

Out of the twenty years of the life span of the fourth republic of Ghana, the NDC has been in power for twelve of these years and pride the Volta Region as being its world bank yet the region is one of the poorest regions in the country. In reality there has only been one MP elected within the last twenty years who did not contest on the ticket of the NDC. The highest percentage an non NDC presidential candidate has ever gotten in an election is even below 15% yet if you look at even the regional capital of the Volta Region for instance it was not until the NPP came into power that even the number traffic lights were increased from one to three. There are still problems with job creation and employment, education, roads, agriculture, markets and health yet it’s as though a spell has been cast on the region not to vote for any other political party  whether they will channel resources to develop the region or not. The NDC party has somehow become a demi –gods within the region that even areas where common sense need to be applied to get the region developed is out rightly squashed once it is not coming from the NDC. I have been to the hometowns of some of the NDC MPs and find it very disheartening when even a three to five kilometer road to their hometowns is as rough as a coconut grater made from mill tin yet they have built huge mansions in the middle of the town.

If you ask me what I think the way forward is, I will tell you outright that it is high time people from the Volta region vote in leaders based on ideologies that would bring development to the region and make it prosper. We need to make it clear to the MPs especially that the era where a carton of key soap can be used to lobby for votes or a wall hanging of a white Christ with Jerry curls sitting at a table will his twelve disciples are no longer things that would convince us to vote for them, rather when they each show us  a detailed and feasible four year term developmental proposal which we  see a poignant we will vote for them. We also need to send out a clear message which says that the region is bigger than one political party  and as such so far us people vying for political posts that demands we vote for them can be elected into power no matter the political party they come from. As we wait for another four years to come, let us a Voltarians ponder over how far we’ve come under the various governments in the fourth republic and if indeed we are where we want to be as a Region or whether we are taking the right steps to be where we want to be in terms of development. Like always I really do find this love Relationship between the Volta Region and the NDC strange, all I pray for is that one of the opens its eyes and faces reality.

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2013 in ARTICLES

 

My New Year Thoughts

As we draw closer to the new year, I know many of us are going to have a field day at our various ‘overs’ services  be it Crossover, Passover, Walkover, Jumpover or Hangover to usher in the new year and in doing so we are going to conjure resolutions for the new year but one question I want each and every one of you to answer  in relation to your life as the New Year approaches is, what if an angel were to creep after you tonight, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, ‘This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it dust of the dust!’ Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that angel? Or would you answer, ‘Never have I heard anything more divine’?  I can just picture your faces with a lot of you asking yourselves what I’m driving at with such a question.

Most often than not we have our lifestyles tuned by the turning up of every new year by making outrageous resolutions and to make matters worse most Pastors are going to prophesy cars, mansions, good jobs, good wife/husband, fat bank accounts among many things into our lives and in most cases it is those of us who represent the proverbial man who doesn’t have a veranda yet wants to go buy a monkey for keeps, are the ones going to shout the loudest amen without thinking of whether or not it is within our capabilities or whether  is really God’s plan for their lives. Just imagine someone living in a rented chamber and hall apartment driving a Jaguar or a Range Rover and parking it right by the house. Hehehehe If I were the landlord I will triple the rent. Funny enough most of us have dreams that are synonymous to this scenario and indeed want to live these dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I know God is still a miracle working God but when you do not put in the effort to lift the load to the knee level how will someone be prompted to help you place it on your head?

Now back to the question and what I think. Most of us are not comfortable with our lives and seek to improve upon it with the turning of every New Year and are caught in the euphoria of making resolutions and dreaming big and are the ones who will curse the angel. There is nothing wrong with having such dream but no one plants maize seeds and expects to harvest yam when the farming season ends. We tend to forget to look at the previous year in retrospect. Let me state categorically that I’m yet to find that pro who makes all his/her New Year’s resolution come to pass and no matter how hard I search, I’m unable to find that one person who has come achieved whatever resolutions he has set, since there are a lot of elements out there that determine our line of actions and what becomes of them at every point in time. Do I know of anyone who will say it is the most divine thing the angel has offered? No! Man has always been known to want comfort and peace and therefore I do not envisage anyone wanting to go through the pains, hustle and tussle of his life over and over again with the same results

Rather than committing oneself to try to change immediately when the New Year is upon us,  I believe we individually and collectively must take pride in the goals have chosen for ourselves, and  we don’t choose a time limit in which to accomplish them. Change takes time, and doesn’t happen overnight. The New Year is inspiring in choosing goals in the first place, and if you think of having all the time in the world to accomplish them, the goals become more of a reality than a daunting feat. I tend to not make resolutions when the New Year creeps in, rather, I take a silent inventory of the past year and learn from the trial and errors of the year prior and look at the New Year like a test to improve upon. I look back on what I can work on and how far I can go in the year ahead, and try not to pressure myself into making change. Change happens on its own and you don’t need a New Year to improve your life. So as we usher in a New Year tomorrow, please do not go looking for a walking stick that is taller than you but rather choose a walking stick that suits you. Just look at your life in relation to others as the story of a piece charcoal and a piece of mahogany. A piece of charcoal has been through fire and smoke and mahogany has been through nothing yet they are as black as each other. We may all be heading towards one goal(success in life) but God in his own wisdom has carved different pathways in terms of life experiences for each one of us to get there. Trust me with your belief and faith in God coupled with your hard work, perseverance and determination you shall make it.

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2012 in ARTICLES

 

Open Letter to Mr. Ayariga

Dear Sir,

I’m Ganya Korshi one of the many but few floating (though with my body size I wonder how I can float) voters you and the other Presidential aspirants seek to convince to give the mandate to become President of our dear nation. Though I have not met you in person before and based on the fact that the personal encounters I have had with you has been you talking to me via the television set, and you billboards I feel you are a good friend with good intentions. To be honest with you,the lengthier encounter I’ve had with you has been with at the IEA’s Presidential debate which to me was just a question and answers evening and this has left a lasting impression on me. I hope it is ok with you if I alter you name to Ayaaya or Aya to make this communication easier. You know more like a ‘boys boys’ talk.

Aya my friend,  It is  amazing how after our last encounter or should I say my encounter with you on my television set, my late father’s primary advise not to knock myself out when things get tough keeps lingering in my head. I want to believe you are a  great fan of Obama and in your mind you are a better Obama for Ghana that is why you exclaimed that if Obama says ‘Yes we can’t’, you Ayariga wants us to know as Ghanaians that YES WE ARE READY. So tell me Aya if you are indeed ready for anything, why did you want to play with our emotions but first saying you won’t debate tomorrow and then retract to say you’ll be there. To be honest with you I’m one of the few people who believe that you truly deserve to be our next President. For Country broke ooooh Country no broke ooooh a good laugh is always a good remedy. It seems you underestimate yourself and how captivating you are when you make speeches. For a fact I know about 60 to 70percent of Ghanaians were not going to watch the debates when the heard you had opted out because of a cough and a lot of our so called stand -up comedians led by David Oscar have petitioned the IEA to stop you from debating just because you achieved a feat he can’t with even twenty people in a room with the whole nation. To be honest with you I saw through your act at the first presidential debates. Whilst the others continued to bombard as with confusing policies and figures, you chose to assure us that when you become the President of the nation you will make us laugh even in the toughest of situations. Only someone special like you can bring us some comfort in these dead end situations, these moments of doubt and uncertainty, so common nowadays, when the ghosts of hard lies, of raped and defiled dreams and aspiration, of insecurity and unemployment hover over our heads.

So Aya my friend, if a lot of people will be watching the debate because of you, don’t you think it is a second chance to reemphasize where your strength lies and forget those detractors who see you a clown? Between you, God and myself we know it will be a miracle if you amass three percent of the votes cast but we will never know until we try right? We both know at this stage, a lot of people will be asking you Why you Think you Can Be The President”? And I have this answer for them, You fulfill all the prerequisites to be the President of this nation. you are 40 years old, a citizen by birth of this country and medically certified as mentally fit to take up the job. duh!!

Trust me a lot of us a tired of this NDC and NPP charade and won’t mind voting for you but that will be only if you can give us empirical proof of how you’ll encourage the salaries of workers, export brain drain and how you’ll make use of Ghana’s natural resources like silos to improve the living condition of the average Ghanaian with all your ‘Youful’ exuberance. As for your take on education, I share the same sentiments with you however I strongly suggest that you go for a refund of all the school fees you have paid during your school going years in Ghana so at least you can be on the same level as the other aspirants.

AyaAya, there is a lot more I wish to say but let me just conclude here by saying,I pray that as you enter into the debate tomorrow, you do not disappoint the many Ghanaians who will be watching just because of you. Go there with your cough syrup, drink it before you get on stage and just do you thing and remember that even if you do not win the elections as we all know you won’t, you have the utmost fun leading the PNC. It is my wish that one of these days we meet under the coconut tree and deliberate on social issues. I have a few ideas for a comedy skit and you input will make it richer. Hope to see you tomorrow on my TV screen churning out you vision and policies for the nation in the way you best know how to do it.

Your livid friend,

Efo Ganya Korshi

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2012 in ARTICLES

 

Jesus What Is Your BB Pin?(The Church and Interactive Media)

Last night Jesus came as he promised to and instead of him riding on a horse with angels by his side blowing trumpets for believers to be ruptured, he was rather  texting, tweeting, whatsapping, rapture request sending, BBMing, Skyping from his smart phones but a lot of us missed it because our individual telecommunications network had problems with the network coverage more over ECG took the lights for 48 hours and so some of us were not able to charge our phones and telecommunication devices and so for a second chance “text the correct answer to this question to the short code 2383 on all networks ‘which side of Adam did God remove the rib to create Eve?’ Terms and conditions apply.” This may sound blasphemous but there are days I feel to the average Ghanaian church goer, who insists on being referred to as a Christian this would be ideal situation based on how technologically our worship of God has become and sadly this is how low we have desecrated our faith.

       Growing up, church had always been a community thing for me. It was that one day in the week which afforded me the chance to worship God and still be with family, friends and really be close to people I looked up to spiritually. This kind of environment made it possible for me to have real human relationships and do practical things when it came to serving the Lord. Over the years I have gradually seen this closely knitted human institution where we gathered and could actually feel the spirit of the Lord amongst us disintegrate into something I fear is making us lose the favor of the Lord due to how we use technology in terms of telecommunication and social media. I know a certain school of thoughts will say technology has aided us in taking the word of God to the doorsteps of individuals and in a way I will agree with them but personally I feel we are losing the human element  that comes with congregating to serve the Lord.

These days aside the runway dressing most of the ladies take to church, you find most people holding iPads, iPhones, galaxy tabs, black berries and other smart phones instead of Bibles and immediately the Pastor says ‘can we please turn our Bibles to the book of John’, people start fidgeting with theses gadgets but trust me more than half are checking football updates, facebook or twitter updates, fashion sites, snapping pictures and chatting with others in the same building.

Mind you, the Pastor himself is flipping through his sermon pages on an iPad and this I must confess is the advanced way of serving God. Offertory and tithes will sooner than later be paid via mobile money transfer and either facebook, skype, whatsapp aside other social media platforms will be used for meetings instead of having that human contact since venturing into the physical world is a pain and waste of time. So we choose this a state of cultural obesity brought on by the isolation of self-indulgence. Because most of us choose to live in and are part of this culture, we cannot help but be affected by these things. The options that are offered to us are really too many to process adequately and so in this kind of situation most of us will choose the easiest option, the “path of least resistance” approach.

Contrary to those days when young persons modeled their behavior on those people who were close to them in proximity, such as parents, teachers, pastors, and leaders in the community but now they are confronted with so many virtual role models who know absolutely nothing about them.

I know some people will argue that we have succeeded is in text evangelism and fulfill the part of the scriptures that says go into the world and spread the gospel but the question is how many of these text messages have been more effective that the door to door of community to community evangelism that was done in those days preaching about salvation and giving reverence to God and Christ in all our endeavors?  Most often than not most of these text messages lack the spirit of the understanding of God’s words. I personally envisage that in the next year or two we will start getting random text messages from these prominent churches saying ‘for financial miracle, text FM to short code 1123, for marriage Miracle text MM to short code 1123 and for any other miracle text *name of miracle* to 1123. The Lord is closer to you than you think’.

The interesting thing I have also noticed is churches evaluate themselves by the same standards as those used by the culture of technology. Because technology provides immediate information and feedback, churches have begun to operate on a fad or poll basis. Whatever the latest fad is or whatever the latest trend predicted by the polls happens to be, that is where the church is going. Because our technical driven culture requires efficiency, convenience, and entertainment, then the Church must provide that. Soon, opinion polls on what kind of sermon, who the preacher should be, what kind of song ministrations among others will be thrown out there for congregants to vote on and the majority will carry the day based on the polls’ result.

I may be wrong or right, but in all these, I pray the Lord directs our paths to make decisions that won’t see us departing from his grace and mercies all because we choose to social media interact with him rather than speak to him in the physical and spiritual realm for Christianity to me has never been about convenience or safety. God calls us to leave our comfort zone, interact face-to-face with people, and go out as “sheep among wolves”. We cannot hope to win the approval of the world by adopting the ways of the world and so we need to be vigorous and not stationary in doing God’s work

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2012 in ARTICLES

 

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