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2nd Open Letter to Oko Vanderpuije

2nd Open Letter to Oko Vanderpuije

Dear Efo Roozay,

First of all Happy New year to you my friend. Though I am very disappointed that I did not receive any reply to my last and first ever letter to you, I will let it be a bygone and ‘hope against hope’ (as my famous agbadza dancer Uncle Clever Thywillbedoneonearth Agbenorxevi will say) that you will reply this one. Let me first of all congratulate you on your ascension to the enviable Odum chair of the Mayor of Mayors as well as your $399 Doctorate Degree acquisition. I’m sure the beard was the deciding factor in these achievements. These day I do not see much of you. I think it is because I do not watch Television that much again. I know the higher you climb the ladder of life, the harder it becomes to see and recognize the people below but trust me I have been following your exploits. You do not know the joy I feel whenever your name pops up on my head. It is that same joy my twelve children felt when my mother of blessed memory travelled to Ho and brought 2 sachets of pure water as agbamekanu for her grandchildren.Trust me, their eyes lit with excitement as that of the trotro driver you ‘jossed’ last year when his trouser squeezed his balls from your tight grip on his trousers. Roozay the Commando mayor! Roozay the Don! The real Life Captain Haddock of Accra! Norvinye, I feel extemely elated just knowing that it is you I am writing to again. I think I will have to add it to my CV that you are my friend and not just a friend oooh but a close friend. Now let me contain my excitement and get to the reason for writing this letter.

Don Roozay, what most people do not know is that you had your 31st night watch service at the church that had the theme for 2015 as ‘This Nances must Stop’ and based on the preaching along with what the spirit revealed to you, the only way to stop the ‘Nances’ is to tackle it commando style which you are reinforcing . At the rate at which Accra is developing I’m wondering whether people can’t see it or whether it is sheer envy. Why do people always want to bring a good man down? The whole of this year, no Cholera, no flooding, crime has gone down, no hawking on the streets, all the streets have been named,evey house has a toilet, the shool no longer run shift, you run a very accountable assembly and Accra is now the epitome of what a capital city should look like. I hear other Mayors worldwide are consulting you for tips to improve their cities. Herh Oko you be Don wati! Mayor of Mayors ampaaa.

Herh, my Don Capon Oko Roro, I have heard what your detractors are saying and trust me all they can be are detractors to your agenda. What is even laughable is when they say the President should fire you. How can he fire you? A mayor who had his life’s training in The Westside of Brooklyn New York. If the president ever fires you, what happened on the streets of Brooklyn on the 15th of February 1995 will happen in Ghana. If they like they should ask Kofi Konadu Apraku. Commando Rozay, just like you I do not understand Ghanaians ooooh. Common shooting of car tyres too and they are making so much fuzz about it. Don’t they watch American movies? If the President can’t tell you to stop using a convoy and siren then what in Memuna’s name would make a lawyer feel he can make you stop? Naniama. Look it is high time we employ some Brooklyn style action levels. Herh, Oko you be Capon. You are too ‘melch’. For a lack of better description just like Tupac, all eyes are on you. You are like that cool village kid in a city school whose ironed starched uniform shirt with the spider web design with his gabardine hold my thighs pair of shorts is just had to ignore. I doff my atsatsa hat to you. You are indeed a Mayor after the President’s own heart so do not be perturbed by what people say.

Well, the boss Madam is looking for me and I have to dodge her small. Abii you know how women are. I think I have to come for some tips on how to manage her small, since you seem to be doing so fine with Mrs. Roozay. I will also need your secret formula for keeping my beard at the same level all year round. Kindly make sure you at least acknowledge receipt of this letter even if you do not deem it necessary to reply me. Till I hear from you, be strong and may the good Lord open the eyes of people to see who you really are.

Your friend,

Efo Koshi Gator of Alakple.

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 15, 2015 in ARTICLES

 

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Open Letter to President Mahama.

Open Letter to President Mahama.

Dear Mr. President,

Well for formality sake, let me just ask how you are doing before I proceed. I hope Lordina is keeping her promise of serving you a sumptuous bowl of Tuo Zafi and dawadawa soup every Wednesday evening as she promised to when you became President. To be honest with you I won’t say we’ve not met before and for your information, I have always admired you from afar as a celebrity. Oooh yes, a Politician celebrity. It even got to a time I was thinking of asking you to represent Ghana at the big brother house but decided against it knowing the temptations that abound in that house. I really hope you do not mind me calling you John or any other pet name I deem very necessary to keep the conversation flowing. I know by now you are beginning to wonder why at all I decided to write you this letter but don’t worry, I’m not one of you detractors. I’m writing this letter to actually say thank you for being yourself and for doing what you are doing.

Jonny boy, I get very livid when I hear people say you are not a good leader. What do they expect? This is actually what they get for not learning from their mistakes. After all, by now they should know that, the fact that the Zongo he- goat has a beard does not make it a contender for the chief Mallam position. If the people willingly make the He –goat the Mallam because of its beard then they must be ready to chew cassava leaves. Today, they say electricity, tomorrow they’ll say water, yesterday it was fuel. What at all do they want you to do before they realize that you lead a listening government? I know that as for the listening you are really doing that, it is just that you are not sure of what to do so you end up doing nothing at all.

Jonny just this week, some friends of mine were annoyed that you did not fire Elvis and Yamin for the Black Stars fiasco in Brazil. Me I just laughed ooh. If they know what you see especially when you put those your spectacles on, they wouldn’t even bother. Fine boy things no be ‘gidigidi’ ooh. Have they forgotten so soon that you are the only president in the history of our country that has an individual who is an institution on her own working for you? Do they know the value of one ‘tsoboe’ by Elvis during your campaign period? Were we not all here when Samini was charging GHC 2000 for shooting one ‘kpoe’ at musical events? Now to the issue of Yamin, after Rawlings, how often have we seen what the NDC World Bank calls ‘Yevu du agba’ say things on National Television that draws intense national discourse and goes international? As a concerned big brother, I know you didn’t want Yamin to look bad that is why you released the jet and the money to ‘Bryzil’. This is a simple boys boys move that I feel everyone should understand. Errrhm my only worry is that I hear there is an unaccounted for 1.2 million. Abeg I be your boy so make I know something when the time to share comes.

 

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Yesterday I realized that Ghanaians are very wicked people. Why are they crying foul on this issue of part of a loan being used for sanitary pads? Look Jonny boy, I agree with you, we must give sanitary pads to school girls! It’s a matter of life and death! Their futures depend on it! Mind you the pads will be imported and the GFA boss Kwasi Nyantakyi will be in charge of airlifting it with support from Elvis and Yamin! If they like they should go and burn the korle lagoon. Have they not realized that up until now our young girls in SHS have been using ‘amonsin’? They need to use pads, no, they will use pads. Now this is QUALITY GIRL CHILD EDUCATION. But Jonny Boy, kindly make sure that in the next loan, allocation is made for free champion condoms distribution for University boys or you go do boxer shorts instead? Our Better Ghana Agenda is on the right path and I encourage you not to mind our detractors. . By the way, are we importing Yazz or Always sanitary pads? Please let’s make sure they come with free pantie liners too and deodorants. I will only charge three percent commission for this advise.

 

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Jonny my guy, be for I end this letter, there is one huge favor I need to ask you. In fact you’ll make me the happiest Ghanaian if you do this for me and I won’t mind if you tax everything including my flatulence. Please and please can you please give ministerial appointments to Allotey Jacob, Sam George, Richard Quarshigah and Nii Lantey Vanderpujey. These are individuals who speak and I know that what they say is not revealed to them by flesh and blood but by a ‘higher force’ I cannot and indeed most Ghanaians cannot contend with. I believe once they become an integral part of your ministerial appointees, you are sorted. The likes of Ablakwa and Fifii Kwetey are backsliding but I believe buy the time we get into the election mood their ‘spirituality’ will be revived. By the way say hi to Vicky for me the next time you meet. I will really love to get a reply from you but I know you’ll be too busy to reply so kindly just acknowledge receipt of this letter.

Your own Concerned Countryman.

Efo Koku Gator.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on July 3, 2014 in ARTICLES

 

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With Love From Dzelukope

With Love From Dzelukope

My Lorlor,
I’m highly intoxicated with excruciating excitement to write you this letter, as the brightness of the sun has given me this opportunity to be ‘francofactically’ frank with you on an issue that has had my heart throbbing like drums of an agbadza ensemble.
They say a picture tells 1,000 words but when I look at yours all I see are these 3, I Love You. Yes I love you like a ripe hamattarn pawpaw. The one appatipre’s have not discovered yet ooooh. Shiny like a clean shaven albino’s head that has been oiled a little bit.
Sweetie Pie Pie whether it is meat pie, onion pie or tuna pie you are sweet papaaa. I have not tasted your love yet but in my mind it is sweet. See, me, I stare at your lips and fall in love with the way they form what you say when you talk ooooh. Your awirishrish kotomire is very beautiful like my grandmorda’s freshly painted clay  tripod stove. It cooks sweet tickling sensations in my ears laaa.
Yesterday I saw you buying ayi borbor from Aman). Herh! Aman)’s borbor is sweet ooooh. she know the right amount of dzomi to add to make it red like the new version of Yvonne Nelson. Yvonne Nelson 3.4 and couldn’t help thinking how pleasant it will be to be a fart escaping from your gbigorooo that jiggles like a maracas being played during a pentecostal praises session
Hmmm, I spend every waking moment second guessing my decision to write you this letter and right now I am second guessing my second guessing but no worries ok! Cos even if you don’t love me, I can love the two of us for us.
I love you twiiitwiii like yesterday fufu in 3 day old palm soup.

Yours sincerely,
Sincere Lormnava

*Ayi borbor — Boiled beans

* Gbigoroo— Well endowed buttocks

 
6 Comments

Posted by on October 19, 2013 in Fiction

 

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